Thursday, January 19, 2012

Playing "Hard to Get".

Sometimes, when I tell people about Family History and what not, I feel like I'm playing a game. What kind of game, I'm not sure, but a game nonetheless. And it is definitely not "hard to get".

In my insecure teenage years, I somehow developed the mentality that the only, I repeat, only way a guy would ever show interest is if I played some form of the game "hard to get". Though really, this mentality applied not only to teenage dating, but also to, wel, everything really. It's actually rather poisonous, because unfortunately, that mentality sort of continues over into everything. No, really, everything. I don't even like soliciting people for reviews, for reading my book, for anything, because I'm still slightly terrified of seeming too eager.

Now, I feel like everything I've done during the past few weeks has conflicted with that. Posting everywhere - "Read my book!" "I have a book, it's awesome!" "Look, links to my blog, Facebook, Amazon books...look! Look! Look!!" It feels so...degrading. Yet everyday, I find myself even dropping hints in Reddit. "Oh yeah, I have a book. No big deal. Cough cough." Posting things in the "Post a Random Fact About Yourself" threads in my teeny little forums. "Look! I'm selling things! Yeesssss!" Even Digg. I hate Digg, but I made an account solely to post my blog posts and books there. *Barf*

I have failed my fifteen year old self by subjecting myself to this. Yet, at the same time, I have made my fifteen year old self proud by writing and publishing books on Amazon. Actually, I am also making my fourteen, thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, and sic-year-old selves proud by doing this. Not to make this a counting game, but I'm making so many of my other selves proud too.

But, I can't make myself too proud if I don't go out and solicit people, because then nobody would read my work, and all of my efforts would be for naught. So, to make my fifteen year old self proud, I also have to disgust my fifteen year old self a little bit. It's slightly paradoxical. Oh well. It's not like anyone's fifteen year old self is the best muse for anything, anyways.

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